one week left to go!!

i go home next thurs. dec. 23! i am trying really hard to keep busy. but that is really hard. there is nothing to do. yesterday it rained all day with and electrical storm. i had to stay inside with my dad. yay. my friends all work. i cant drink, i cant smoke. yesterday would have been a perfect day to get drunk and smoke a carton of cigarettes....
i can´t wait to go to buenos aires and go shopping... i want....
shoes, ........

people are bitching that the govt. has raised the price of cigarettes.....

in argentina.. the original price was about .70cents us dollars now it is about .90cents us dollar. if cigarettes were this cheap in LA i would have been dead by now.

hopefully the govt. here will do something useful with the money, like pay back the debt thier employees stole a few years back,and not steal the increase on cigarettes also.

i think my ex misplaced the camara charger...

he stayed at my house the weekend before i left and he thought it would be a good idea to organize my house. i couldn´t find the camera charger!! my brother took some pictured and i am going to buy a disposable camera.

the surgery went well,so far. i look like someone beat the crap out of me though. i get the nose cast thingy off on saturday. i can´t wait to see what i look like with a custom made nose.. ha.

it´s hot, it´s muggy,i can´t drink, i can´t smoke, and i miss my boyfriend. there, i whined a little.

in Argentina.....

and feeling a little bit home sick. i miss my kids. i miss my bed. it is so sad that i dream of being here and once here all i can think about is home.
i am not sure when i will be leaving here. my brother leaves on the 15th of december.
i will be having surgery this saturday the 11th. i am a bit nervous about that also. the dr. said i will need a local anesthetic only. the nose surgery will be something minor.-- small change. i have to wait for the dr. to say that i can travel and that could be up to 2 weeks! i hope i can get home before christmas.....

so... it is Friday....

i am still trying to complete painting my room. it is taking forever and is driving me absolutely insane (thank God for valium). Actually, now that i think about it--maybe too much valium=lack of production..hmmmmmmmmmmm

the previous post

was from a cut and paste of an msn conversation i had with my bother about some code that he had been working on. Those words strike resemblance in my life.

poem

im just bored of looking at it
Carl says:
it comes up for changes about twice a week now
Carl says:
and i dont want to do it anymore
Carl says:
it was nice and sleek and well written
Carl says:
poetry
Carl says:
now its ugly and hackish and bloated
Carl says:
im taking my name out of all the source files
Carl says:
ill blame someone else

The Grudge

this movie was so, like totally, not scary. it was a little creepy and geller is a dork. don't spend your money on this film. see 'Shaun of the Dead' instead or 'Motorcycle Diaries'.

my room is a box

my bed is gone. i will still paint my dresser blackish brown.the color is a deep rose and the trim is a pinkish white... i like white sheets.. i guess i will have to buy a new comforter cover. any design ideas?
i'm too happy to write anything of interest........

so this is normal..........

earth shattering update: i am painting my bedroom pink. and my bed black. i have always had to share a room with my brother and then with my husband. now i will have the ultra girly room.... more to come

well, looks like i am going to argentina:)

right after Thanksgiving (darth, i will bring you back a *picture* of my aunt's gnocchi)... i am so happy...brother, if you are reading this, mom said she would pay you to go with me so that you can take care of me and make sure i behave...;) quki

so, this is what single people do

i recently separated from my husband of 11 years. we talked about it on friday and we both decided that this would be 'final'. we have separated before (2 times) and always about the same thing-- not going into details. he is a good human being, and no, he did not cheat on me or treat me bad. people don't change, they evolve.
we got married pretty young, a month after my 20th birthday. i got pregnant almost right away. we were forced into adulthood and we were not prepared.
lately, i have been thinking about dating. i have no idea how to go about it. do girls ask guys out? does that seem forward? also, i have two boys... i can't just bring all kinds of guys around. i know i don't want to jump into another relationship.. but i don't want to be alone either. this is a very confusing time for me. should i only date men with children?
i don't know, all i know is that i don't want to get my heart broken.

que linda mordida la vida me ha dado

y que requerdo mas doloroso.....................................

can someone explain to me what this is:

http://www.nedstatbasic.net/s?tab=1&link=4&id=2895714


i seem to be on there as a link to make $$.... sorry but i don't have any?!!!

just for darth.. ten ways to escape reality.....

# 1. vicodin
# 2. beer
# 3. t.v
# 4. blogging
# 5. going to San Felipe, Mexico
# 6. Wine
# 7. sleeping
#.8 sex
# 9. Eating my Aunt's gnocchi's in Argentina with wine for lunch
# 10. valium


not in that order precisly, more to come...

very good advice..

http://www2.b3ta.com/drink/

now what??

i'm feeling pretty good right now- although you could consider my life in deconstruct mode right now. i feel, somehow, it will all get glued back up to a new and improved version. i will be happy (i don’t think anyone will ever make me happy, i have unrealistic expectations). i won't be scared. and i will have nothing to write about. normalcy, can it be boring?

strange dark thoughts

this morning, on my way to dropping the kids off to school, i was almost trapped by the track rails that fall when the train is coming. luckily, i reversed in time and put my car in park. and waited for the train to pass.
then i remember a few months ago, the same thing happened to me twice. once i just sat there, stuck between the barriers in my car.. i saw the train coming and realized what i was doing... then i floored it and broke the antenna with the barriers. and another time i reversed in time, like i mentioned above and put my car in park because i did not trust that i would not floor it into the train. Similar to that feeling you get when looking down from above and you want to jump, but you really don't.

i guess meds do work.

"what makes you happy leads you headlong into harm"

why is it that things that are bad for us feel so good? hoy tengo miedo.

Dear brother:

i haven't spoken to you in a few days, and i know you are acting as protector of my well being: make sure i don't slit my wrists ( you know me that would be too bloody) or get a rebound boyfriend ( you know me-- that would be too slutty). well, the medicine is kicking in and i am not feeling as anxious-- i don't feel like jumping off a bridge anymore, nor do i find that to be a "normal feeling". i now feel tired, like i could take a long, uninterrupted sleep.

Woe to me, nasally impaired

this is the reason i want a nose job. i hate the way my nose points down. so i must suffer and endure a bit more time until i can come up with the $7000 i need to be content.
only a little help

what is the huge deal with gmail!??

why am i the last to get one?? i sent my email twice with no response.
gmail-is-too-creepy.com

Oh my GOD!!

i want a nose job so bad.. maybe, i just want to be somebody else.

Zoloft has been raised to 75 mgs.

once my valium runs out i will take 5 mgs instead of the 10 to taper off slowly.

i went to a party yesterday, i got so drunk i felt completely overdressed. i wanted to hide. i really don't remember being that drunk in a while. i hate the way it felt. i couldn't sleep. i felt awful all day today.

i have been obsessing about drug overdoses..i guess i am realizing that mixing pills and alcohol could be fatal- i guess it is just a reminder
i found this interesting site:

http://www.deadoraliveinfo.com/dead.nsf

i still feel in limbo about my relationship. i really don't think he understands me.. and i know i do not understand him. i wish he was more aggressive, motivated, organized, DEPENDABLE. i feel like i absorb all his inequities while with him. i feel miserable and hopeless.

going to the theater tonight...

miedosa
I have never been to the theater before.. i am avoiding the stress of ---'what to wear...??'!! my nails look like shit, and i don't want to go get them done.

my jaw hurts from grinding. i am trying to remind myself not to clench my jaw.

i feel like i could never get enough quiet.

looking back to what i wrote-- it seems so self centered... i mean, i wasn't IN the play. everyone wore whatever, and the guys on the stage were nude--sometimes.
i need to find a healthier center.

Yes, I am ready to be happy
only a little help

Feeling a little better now...

miedosa maybe the zoloft is kicking in?

visit this site

miedosa

i do when i am bored...

www.findadeath.com

miedosa

miedosa

New Rule: you must sign in the chatterbox thing if you come here... anything.. i want to know how you found me.Thank You:)

why is it that everyone

else's blog looks so much better than mine? i want a fancy blog, with lots of data and pictures.

today i went to mount baldy, fed some fish with the boys. then we went somewhere in riverside ate pizza and drank a fosters. listened to some hillbilly shit-- which i admit to liking highly.

i am still in limbo.

birthday beer
only a little help

so, it's friday

and all i want to do is sleep.i do not want to hear the business of contentnment. i am boared by phoney happy faces. i am too tired--just getting by. i just want to rest.

i need to get to work...

but i can't manage to leave my house. i am putting off what should be done. i am reasoning with my self: the gas i will save if i just stay home today. it almost makes sense. i am all dressed for work. i have keys in hand. it is getting late.

only a little help
only a little help

so, today i decide to change for the better

no alcohol, no non-prescribed drugs. i started zoloft 25mgs. every morning, valium 10mgs limited to 3 days a week. i gave in today. i only get 30 ,Dr. said she would not refill. by then i hope the zoloft has kicked in. and ambien at night with benadryl if i cannot sleep.

i felt horrible today. i felt anxious, board, sleepy, hungry and then too full. i couldn't breath deep enough. i wanted to escape so badly.

i don't miss the beer too much. i wasn't enjoying it that much anyway. i slept well for the first time in weeks last night. so well that i didn't want to wake.

i will break myself easily into this transition... still and clearly, i would love a morphine escape. wishing for a tooth ache.............

inmigrante

El estudio endereze
El trabajo edifica.
Y aqui estoy, bendecidnda,
entre los rectos y los jorobados...
Mis bendiciones son:
El trabajo,
El sol y la lluvia, cuando llega
El amanecer con la mirada de mis hijos-
que aveces no me conocen y
siempre me adoran--
igual que yo a ellos.
Yo, hija de inmigrantes, gente
fuerte y soñadora,
que por necesidad e inquietud
llego aqui a mi lado.
Acompaniada a mi destino.

what man invents, who can take apart?

durring mass, the priest said "lo que une dios, ningun hombre puede separar". and i am left with the question of how do i know what God intends and what i thought felt right; even for a moment? How are we responsible enough to know the difference? How many chances do we get? isn't it so, that those who make us uncomfortable, those who initiate selfloathing and change, are those that make us grow. and growth is a sign of spiritual change? they that push us to unbarable lengths, fear, and hate.. could they be the ones who make us evolve? and place us closer to what was completely intended?