i need to get to work...

but i can't manage to leave my house. i am putting off what should be done. i am reasoning with my self: the gas i will save if i just stay home today. it almost makes sense. i am all dressed for work. i have keys in hand. it is getting late.

only a little help
only a little help

so, today i decide to change for the better

no alcohol, no non-prescribed drugs. i started zoloft 25mgs. every morning, valium 10mgs limited to 3 days a week. i gave in today. i only get 30 ,Dr. said she would not refill. by then i hope the zoloft has kicked in. and ambien at night with benadryl if i cannot sleep.

i felt horrible today. i felt anxious, board, sleepy, hungry and then too full. i couldn't breath deep enough. i wanted to escape so badly.

i don't miss the beer too much. i wasn't enjoying it that much anyway. i slept well for the first time in weeks last night. so well that i didn't want to wake.

i will break myself easily into this transition... still and clearly, i would love a morphine escape. wishing for a tooth ache.............

inmigrante

El estudio endereze
El trabajo edifica.
Y aqui estoy, bendecidnda,
entre los rectos y los jorobados...
Mis bendiciones son:
El trabajo,
El sol y la lluvia, cuando llega
El amanecer con la mirada de mis hijos-
que aveces no me conocen y
siempre me adoran--
igual que yo a ellos.
Yo, hija de inmigrantes, gente
fuerte y soñadora,
que por necesidad e inquietud
llego aqui a mi lado.
Acompaniada a mi destino.

what man invents, who can take apart?

durring mass, the priest said "lo que une dios, ningun hombre puede separar". and i am left with the question of how do i know what God intends and what i thought felt right; even for a moment? How are we responsible enough to know the difference? How many chances do we get? isn't it so, that those who make us uncomfortable, those who initiate selfloathing and change, are those that make us grow. and growth is a sign of spiritual change? they that push us to unbarable lengths, fear, and hate.. could they be the ones who make us evolve? and place us closer to what was completely intended?