my darkest moment

my darkest moment is felt when I authorize my self distruction. I own my demise. I smile in the face of self loathing. And I sit back and watch the sun set with a drink in hand and a heavy heart.

Crash dieting

Prozac became a choice ten months ago. Shortly it became a cure. Then it became necessity . And now it's a curse.

img_0836

Posted via Pixelpipe.

anxious

Today is one of those days where I want to cut my hair and wear tons of makeup- put on something new. throw out my couch and get bean bags.i want to feel productive and not repetitive. I will not cut off my hair and I will apply makeup sparingly. I will not go out and buy something new- I will not find anything i would want to wear anyway. I cannot afford to throw out my couch and buy bean bags. I am destined to be repetitive and not productive.my life needs a trash bin for all my junk.count to ten & sing:Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. All day long.

i found my original post

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2004
yes i find myself here
because my brother sent me a link to a dead site. it seems to no longer exist. so i will write this blog, which no one will read, to feel like i have not wasted any time.


my blogger site name was whathefuq
how cute

note to death

If death were to find me today, I would say “hello, I am not ready.” I have decided I am worth the fight. We are worth the struggle. I would take the challenge. I have time to change. I have time to live. I have time to find my way of what I would like to be. I’d say, in ten years- come back and see what I have accomplished. I plan to be some one else. I plan to love my life. I plan to make, create, enjoy, construct - all of me. Death, we will decide later. I am not giving up yet. So, if I accidentally run into my well

Made grave… realize it was a means of survival for now. I plan to exist a bit longer.

remember this

If I could be perfect I would disappear... you would have never known me. I would be an idea.
But I am not

burden is heavy

Oh silly me, how alone I feel. Although I am surrounded and suffocated I feel so alone. And no one understands how hard I work and no one knows my special plight. And no one sees how brilliant and meritorious  I’ve been… that is my unfortunate secret. I am overburdened of holding in such wonder – I fear I might explode . Kill me now.

word hunt.

Sympathetically loving
apathetically searching
empathetically sedating
undeniably wretched by nature.
Demanding authenticity.
Apprehensive.
A coward.

my ipod

My Small white& shiny ipod.
I’ve lost you in my purse a few times and I began to sweat.
I love your random wanderings.
why is it always Billy brag who sings the most to me?
why won't Fleetwood Mac go away?
since when has led zeppelin gotten on my nerves?
I must put more of me in you, but, I am dry.

busy work

rushing to completion
cross off what has been done
momentary sense of satisfaction
eventually leads to emptiness.
what next?
tomorrow again.
more busy work
buys me moments of worthiness.

invisible

Dime- que me quieres, que me extranias, que me necesitas.
dime que soy necia- que soy idiota
que te lleno de algo, qualquir emocion, no importa.
dime que te gusta el olor de mi piel sin baniar, que me nesisitas para no sentirte abandonado.
dime algo.
dime que nunca me olvidaras.


miedosa: May 2006

poor margaritaville

11:30

margarita is a big island in the caribean north of south american kinda by cartegena but further east by like a country or two actually I guess it's a city on an island....
prolly where the drink was made

miedosa

"for lack of content, please do forgive."

now, that is more like it.

miedosa

Feels Like: 63° Dewpoint: 56°
Barometer: 29.89 in and steady Wind: W 3 mph
Humidity: 78% Sunrise: 5:47 am
Visibility: 7 mi Sunset: 7:51 pm



Tonight: Clear to partly cloudy. Low 59F. Winds SW at 5 to 10 mph.

Tomorrow: Mostly cloudy skies. High near 75F. Winds SSW at 5 to 10 mph.

Tomorrow night: Rain showers in the evening becoming steady overnight. Low 59F. Winds S at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 70%. Rainfall near a half an inch.

simply put:

miedosa

You kind of look like a baby. Come here! I am going to eat you. Come on, get in my belly.

Affectionately, in memory of Chris Penn

memories of our first kiss

makes me want to light a cigarette.

miedosa

miedosa



USC CAMPUS, CA
Current Weather
7:47 AM PST MAR 10, 2006
Clear
48°F
Feels Like: 48°F ( i am freezing.)
Dewpoint: 37°F
Rel. Hum.: 65%
Visibility: 10 miles
Wind: Calm
Pressure: 29.78 inches


TODAY
Mostly cloudy with scattered showers and a slight chance of thunderstorms. Some thunderstorms may produce small hail. Highs in the upper 40s and 50s. Local southwest to northwest winds 15 to 25 mph with stronger gusts. Chance of precipitation 50 percent.
TONIGHT
Showers and a slight chance of thunderstorms. Some thunderstorms may produce small hail. A light dusting of snow possible in the higher foothills. Lows in the mid 30s to mid 40s. Local southwest to west winds 15 to 25 mph.

pregunta

miedosa En vos alta: Recuerdo verte Vestido en traje de misionero. En vos alta te pregunto: me veniste a encontrar (o a terminar de perder). No se si lo sabias, le tengo miedo a la muerte. le tengo miedo al la soledad. Me enfada el ruido y movimiento de las multitudes. En veces me siento sola siendo acompañada. en veces me ahogo en la mierda de esta vida- me siento  llena y vacía 

Soy poco mas que nada- me llamo mediocre. suspiro y digo: me enferma esperar.

i feel like such a sushi-