I don’t believe in consequences

Sunday, August 05, 2012

I feel too much
I say too much
I think too much
I want too much
I drink too much
I need too much
I sleep too much
I whine too much
I eat too much
I cry too much
I love too much
I'm never enough
I'm never right
I'm self entitled
I deserve what I get
I'm free to pretend like it's all I deserve
I'm sorry I feel..and I say...and I love.
I question out of turn.
Im sorry.
I'm living the life of an amputated turd.

I'm tired of waiting

Sleep now
while you can still wake up
To sunshine
And the smell of
Coffee and cigarettes

Sleep now
She said
To all who are tired.
Sleep while there's dreams left in that head of yours.

the party in my head

tell me something i don't know

something new and fluffy.

tell me something different and forgiving.

make me forget the quiet boredom, the silly loneliness

those moments i dream a scream inside my head..

let me know tomorrow will want me

But forget me, if only for today...
As today i will be a recluse

i will gloat and float and fear

until you tell me something i did not know

hope in a box

Those pills don't work
They make me sick
And do strange things:
Not feel a thing
Or give a fuck

That's not me.

It happens often.

I'll sink myself
Into the deep end
I'll float back up
To stare blindingly at the sun
And I'll find my way
Eventually

...and so i left her standing there in a puddle of pills

'nuff's said, i'm dead'

she said:

'more regret.. always fret.. and never ever forget'

but she forgot to mention that she had no intention of leaving 

or running 

or changing 

or staying."

" i'm looking for distractions

 i'm needing more attention than i deserve

i sleep all day 

and talk all night 

I'll drink and think 

until i die."

She told me she had forgotton who she was 

And what she's been 

and all that she had seen. 

"it all belonged to another time 

and another girl" 

she had lost or forgot it all.. she said

"but there is always music

laughter...love...

touch ... 

and wine to fill my soul

i have sadness caused by nothingness 

and i know i am and need so much more."

she bored me with her self importance 

So.. i left her there 

Talking to herself.

el sol no descuenta mi tristeza.

no affecta mi aburrimiento

pero igual lo extranio- como uno extrania lo lejano

intocable, inseguro, me abandona

a veses por dias.

a veses por momentos

pero siempre por la noche cuando mas me siento sola.

universo comienza y termina con dos bebidas

dos bebidas mescladas con temor

no sirven pa'nada

solo causan dolor.

y el dia siguiente uno siente horor

y pide perdon a su gente y a su Dios

pero nadie lo escucha y se aduenian del dolor

todos somos victimas del aburrimiento

por causa de las dos bebidas tomadas con temor.

HUMOR ME

mission: self destruction. can't be done. won't be done. must get well.feel like hell.

my darkest moment

my darkest moment is felt when I authorize my self distruction. I own my demise. I smile in the face of self loathing. And I sit back and watch the sun set with a drink in hand and a heavy heart.

Crash dieting

Prozac became a choice ten months ago. Shortly it became a cure. Then it became necessity . And now it's a curse.

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anxious

Today is one of those days where I want to cut my hair and wear tons of makeup- put on something new. throw out my couch and get bean bags.i want to feel productive and not repetitive. I will not cut off my hair and I will apply makeup sparingly. I will not go out and buy something new- I will not find anything i would want to wear anyway. I cannot afford to throw out my couch and buy bean bags. I am destined to be repetitive and not productive.my life needs a trash bin for all my junk.count to ten & sing:Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. All day long.

i found my original post

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2004
yes i find myself here
because my brother sent me a link to a dead site. it seems to no longer exist. so i will write this blog, which no one will read, to feel like i have not wasted any time.


my blogger site name was whathefuq
how cute

note to death

If death were to find me today, I would say “hello, I am not ready.” I have decided I am worth the fight. We are worth the struggle. I would take the challenge. I have time to change. I have time to live. I have time to find my way of what I would like to be. I’d say, in ten years- come back and see what I have accomplished. I plan to be some one else. I plan to love my life. I plan to make, create, enjoy, construct - all of me. Death, we will decide later. I am not giving up yet. So, if I accidentally run into my well

Made grave… realize it was a means of survival for now. I plan to exist a bit longer.

remember this

If I could be perfect I would disappear... you would have never known me. I would be an idea.
But I am not

burden is heavy

Oh silly me, how alone I feel. Although I am surrounded and suffocated I feel so alone. And no one understands how hard I work and no one knows my special plight. And no one sees how brilliant and meritorious  I’ve been… that is my unfortunate secret. I am overburdened of holding in such wonder – I fear I might explode . Kill me now.

word hunt.

Sympathetically loving
apathetically searching
empathetically sedating
undeniably wretched by nature.
Demanding authenticity.
Apprehensive.
A coward.

my ipod

My Small white& shiny ipod.
I’ve lost you in my purse a few times and I began to sweat.
I love your random wanderings.
why is it always Billy brag who sings the most to me?
why won't Fleetwood Mac go away?
since when has led zeppelin gotten on my nerves?
I must put more of me in you, but, I am dry.

busy work

rushing to completion
cross off what has been done
momentary sense of satisfaction
eventually leads to emptiness.
what next?
tomorrow again.
more busy work
buys me moments of worthiness.